Sunday, February 27, 2011
Overlooked
Looks like I am having trouble walking again. The walk, you know what I mean? I don't know if it is pride or just me wanting to be a part of something, maybe its all pride. Maybe, I just thought I would be asked but that didn't even happen. Self denial is at the heart of following Christ, I have to reconcile this with grace and mercy, I know. Doesn't stop feelings from getting hurt. It seems that no matter where, I am always on the outside. Sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel and calling it quits, but my love for God, no matter how small it might be, keeps me in it. Don't get me wrong this isn't a pity party, I am not feeling sorry for myself. Maybe, I'll just step aside and just stop, would anyone even notice and ask me or would the complaining and gossip train kick in? No one ever ask me, they ask those who are inside my circle, but don't come close enough to really care. I know that I am rambling but this is how I purge it from my soul. I have felt the weight of depression before and this is not it. I feel like that kid who no one picks to be on their team and I am left to just stand on the sidelines to watch the game. Scratch that, I wasn't even invited to the game much less stand in the crowd to be picked even though I said I wanted to play. Guess its worse because the kid from the next neighborhood was invited to play. Is there no one able to see pasted my facade? My facade has taken my whole life to construct, it is what protects me and keeps my heart from breaking. More than likely it is a bad thing for me, in fact, I know it is because my heart still gets wounded, much like it is right now. Can't wait to teach in the morning, it's really all I have. I thank God for my wife. He has used her time and again to rescue me from myself. With her I have been able to discover agape. Since she chose me, God has blessed me far beyond anything I could have imagined. Ugh, the funk is on. Wow, really? I am this beat down over this? Maybe I can just sleep it off. Maybe it's because its 115 am and I have been moving, cleaning, and painting all day since early this morning. I am going to bed, the morning sun will bring change, how do I know? God renews us every day and I need renewing, BAD!
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So sorry that you are feeling like this! I will be praying for you and ask that you pray for me as well. I have been feeling the same way for the past little bit and I don't know why. God has done some amazing things in my life in the past month or two...I know it is His hand and I have stood in awe...but in the past couple of weeks I just feel like I am in a battle. Old wounds have been opened and I want to go on the attack, or jump up and down screaming here I am, don't you see me? I didn't really think I had that much of a problem with self, pride wise, but I guess we all do at some level.
ReplyDeleteI think most everyone gets to that same point at some time, often more than once in their lives. I definitely can relate and want you to know that I am praying hard for you and that I love and respect you. If it were mine to do, I'd pick you every time. I'm so glad you have Melissa. Treasure her and lean on her. And stay strong in the Lord so she can lean on you too.
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